Do you know what people don’t talk about when you move to a brand new city away from everything you knew and the community you built? Silence.
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See what I did there?
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You’re climbing this adrenaline mountain at all times trying to check off every item on your to-do list and every purchase you need to make your new house a home. For me, I have to stay busy. As a self-proclaimed extroverted/introvert, I need time to recharge my social battery and be one with myself. However, when I need to be "on," I can light up a room. It might be hard for the people closest to me to understand this, but I am an incredibly shy person…WHEN… I’m in an environment I’m not truly comfortable in. I’m a Virgo. It’s an earth sign, so naturally my environment needs to feel grounded for me to flourish.
For moving, I need to feel settled fairly quickly, or some semblance of grounded where I have the basic furniture pieces to make the space functional and then spruce it up and make it cozy in due time. Hence the couch debacle of June 2024. Staying busy and decorating in a new location is also a way for me to avoid Silence. (Disclaimer: yes I am utilizing the idea of Silence as if it’s a noun. I hope you understand the picture I’m trying to paint.)
Silence, in a new place when you don’t know a lot of people can be frightening and daunting all at the same time. Silence can also be your friend. It’s a double-edged sword, a frenemy if you will. I’ve been preparing for Silence to arrive in full swing weeks before I actually made the move. I started talking about it with the people in my life, who understand this underlying fear I was carrying with me. Opening up about it really helped and hearing other’s experiences helped me shape my overall perspective.
As life would begin to slow down, it would only be a matter of time until Silence arrived in full swing. I did have a few tools going for me that would help combat its presence.
I was already settled into my new job, so I have a community of colleagues who live in the area that I interact with. I also have built a small network of friends who live up and down the California coast.
I tucked away my experience when I first moved to New York City, trying to figure out what my community looked like. Again, hi, very shy person over here when I’m not comfortable in my environment. Going out to different events to mingle and meet people BY MYSELF, scares me. I do it, but I’m a ball of anxiety. Proof is in the pudding though because when I went to an event for a podcast I listened to back in 2018/2019, I met one of my dearest friends. Shoutout to you Brit!
Taking these memories into consideration, I went to scrolling on Instagram. The goal? Finding easy ways to build a community and meet new people because NEWSFLASH, making friends as an adult is hard. Here’s what I found:
I discovered the Long Beach Walking Club, an organization dedicated to giving women in the area a place to meet new people and walk while mingling. I went on my first walk within a week of being here. People thought I was crazy for diving in so quickly but again, I had to! I know what happens when I don’t…Silence arrives. So far, I’ve already met several people, attended multiple events, and even met up with a couple of new friends I met for another walk and a Sunday brunch!
I recently volunteered with A Walk on Water. A friend who has been involved in the organization for years invited me to work the music tent as part of the surf therapy work the organization provides for athletes in need. This allowed me to be part of the larger community, meet people, and fuel my soul to give back to an organization doing incredible work.
Back in March, I purchased a “Choose Your Own” subscription package to the Hollywood Bowl. I have no shame in admitting that the sole reason I did this was to guarantee tickets to see Sara Bareilles in August, but I used this as an opportunity to add some anchor events to my calendar of solo activities I can do while I settle in this summer.
It’s baby steps! I’ve also been told to try Bumble BFF, and while that seems a bit strange to me, a dating app to find friends, I might try it! I’ll report back if I do.
So you’re probably wondering, Natalie, has Silence visited you since your arrival while you’ve been actively trying to reduce its presence?
Of course! I wouldn’t be writing this if I hadn’t. My most frequently asked question is “what’s the hardest part of the transition from NY to CA?” It’s the three-hour time difference at night. At around 8 pm PST, conversations with my friends back east fall into a deep slumber because it’s 11 pm. Of course, I have my handful of west-coast friends to communicate with and a couple of friends who occasionally stay up past midnight (est), but for the most part, I'm learning to live with Silence. And of course, I’m reading, writing, working, podcasting, or watching TV. I enjoy those things! It’s just weird knowing you have several hours left of your day when the people you communicate most with, have already drifted off to bed.
I want to conclude this by stating, I’m not avoiding Silence. It is not a healthy way of living. I am just proactively trying to limit the evil powers/side effects that Silence can present. Those include but are not limited to, anxiety, sadness, level of depression, loneliness, uncertainty about why I moved out here in the first place, and more.
IMPORTANT NOTE: It’s critical to the healing process to embrace Silence when it arrives. Acknowledge its presence, be one in the moment, and then get back up and keep going.
All you can do is try and put yourself out there, right? It just takes time.
What do you do when Silence visits you? I’d love to know in the comments!
xo,
Nat